On August 10th, I lost one of the most precious friendships I have ever known. My ex-boyfriend of two years passed away. I have never lost somebody so close and dear to me. He had just turned 25 a month and a half ago. I still can not grasp the fact that he is gone. I've only ever really known a few people who have died. Most, like my great grandmother for instance lived a beautiful life with a husband, kids, grandkids & great grandkids. It was sad, but it was easier to watch someone go who had fulfilled something in life. She lived to an old age, and had the life cycle that people are meant to live. Danny had just begun his life, a life that is now gone.


Although me & Danny stopped talking about a year ago (for various reasons), we still had a bond and a connection that nothing could break. No time apart could break the love we truly did share for one another. We broke up in January of 2011 but reconnected for a few short months from July-September of that same year, and around January of 2012 I disconnected myself from him completely. Although I stopped myself from contacting him, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him; I wondered how he was, what he was up to.. I cared about him as a person because he truly meant a lot to me. All I wanted was the best for him. I just wanted him to be okay. I sometimes would sneak onto my grandmas facebook to see if there was anything new from him, any good news, anything at all. I would stalk his brother & sister-in-laws on InstaGram in hopes that maybe they would post a picture of him, then I would know he's doing alright.

He reached out to me in March of this year and every bone in my body said "Write back!" I literally spent weeks falling asleep writing him a letter in my head, going over each word to try to decide what I would end up saying to him without saying too much. In the end, I never wrote him the letter. I thought for where I was in my life, it was best if I just kept him shut out. A few months later, I decided to write him an e-mail, just to let him know that although I didn't write back to him I thought about him and hoped that his life was on track, that he was doing good. I never got an email back. I would send him smiley faces on g-mail chat to try to get a response, but a few weeks went by & I never received anything. I recently came to find out, he forgot his password, never receiving my message. Two weeks prior to his death, I was in New York and my mom told me to let go of anything I held against him and to call him, let him know that I got his letter, just talk to him. I wouldn't do it. I don't know why but I didn't. Of course now, that is all that runs through my head. "Just call Danny". What I wouldn't give to just be able to rewind time and at least give him that one final phone call.


My heart broke into a million little pieces that Friday afternoon. I can not describe the regret and loss I felt. The days to follow were not easy. A truly emotional rollercoaster, numbness, pain, sorrow, loss. I truly hope no one ever has to attend a young persons wake. I couldn't be strong, I couldn't do anything but fall apart the first day. I could barely look over at him lying there in the casket. I couldn't make myself do it, it was just too hard. I didn't want it to be real and being there, looking at him lying there so peacefully made it more real then anything else. Thankfully, his brothers helped me through it. His family are the most strongest, loving people I have ever, and will ever, meet in my life. They are truly one of a kind and I am blessed to have had them in my life. By the last day of the wake (I attended all 4 because my goodbyes were never clear enough), I was able to go up to him, kiss him on the cheek & tell him that I was so sorry for giving up on him when he needed me most. But no matter how many times I went back up there to give my final goodbye, it was never enough. Things were always left unsaid because he could not respond back, so no matter what I said it wasn't good enough for me.


I have been struggling these last few weeks because of the regret I feel inside. I have always been one to not regret a thing because at the time it was exactly what I wanted to do, but in a time like this, how could you not feel regret? I've been talking to him all the time, and I truly feel that he hears me now. I know he understands but I would give anything up just to talk to him one last time. I have to say, looking back & remembering all the amazing times we shared, I know that the time we spent together was some of the best times of my life, and I know he would say the same. We traveled to Vegas & to Chicago, we went to 6 Flags and water parks, we went to concerts & bars, weddings & parties.. We had the time of our lives and every moment was filled with passion & love. Sure, things got rocky towards the end & things may not have always been rainbows & butterflies, but we trusted one another, we deeply loved & cared for one another. He is the first person in my life that I truly pictured forever with.



Even after we broke up, he still continued to try to help me. He couldn't stop caring about me because no matter what, we had love. He was there for me last summer when I was going through a lot of personal problems. I felt like the only person left in the world but he came to my side, he rescued me. I will never forget all that he has done for me and I wish I could have done the same for him.

I want to live my life for him. I want to do all the things we wanted to do together. And we will do them together, Danny, I know you are here with me, watching over me. I have always followed my own path, but now I want you to guide me. Thank you for changing my life. I love you forever.

Labels: boyfriend, death, died, funeral, gone, gone but not forgotten, life, loss, love, lover, remember, rest in peace, rip, sad, sadness, shock, wake

Growing up I was not very culturally diverse. Growing up in a place 35 minutes away from one of the most diverse cities in America (New York City), you would think that there would be so many places to eat. Well, there was but I didn't experience any of them. Nope, my family was traditional. 100% Italian and Italian was pretty much all there was. We were very basic people, and aside from that, like most children I was picky. Even into my early 20's I rarely took chances when it came to food. Food was there to feed my hunger, and not much else. I stuck with what I knew and what looked appealing. The way things looked truly made an impact on if I ate it or not. It was all mental and had nothing to do with taste, but if something didn't look like I would like it or was not what I was accustomed to, I didn't eat it. The only other cultural food I ate aside from American & Italian was Chinese, and not just any Chinese, it had to be and only came from Ming Yung Chinese Buffet in my hometown. Even as I got older, my response was, "Oh, I don't like that." Don't like & never tried are two very different things.

I have to say that I am very glad to be so willing to try new things now. To not just open my mouth to taste, but my eyes to culture and all the joys that can come with eating. When I first went to Europe, I really had to break out of my shell of eating "basic". When I lived in Berlin, there was not many "have it your way" moments. I got what I got and I learned to enjoy it. But that still didn't truly change my mind. It opened me up a little but I didn't hold on to it. I still was that stubborn little girl when it came to some things, such as Indian food. The first time I ever tried Indian food was in London when I was 21 years old, with two of my girlfriends. They loved it, and I never had tried it. I had ordered a mango chicken curry. It was good, it fed me for the time being but that was that, continued to "not like it" just because I wasn't used to it.

This past year has really changed my outlook. I have my ex-boyfriend to thank for that. He really made me realize how much of a mental block I had created to certain foods. His favorite thing to eat is Indian food. We were together for a year and I promised him, "One day I will go with you." Well one year turned into almost two and I still did not own up to my part of the bargain. He would buy Indian food weekly and I would just sneer at the array of colors and mush on his plate.

Until, I went all in. We went to the Indian buffet with his parents one day and I could not believe my taste buds. We then started going once, sometimes twice a week! I was addicted. Tikka Masala, Vindaloo, Curry, the list goes on & on. It didn't just trigger my taste buds but my curiosity for such a beautiful culture.

So with this said, do not be afraid! Step outside of your comfort zone. The world is beautiful. Food is more then just eating. Now I really want some indian!

Labels: comfort, culture, food, indian, mental block, sheltered

I recently moved to Chicago, on quiet a spur of the moment decision to get things together for myself & to stop relying on my future with my boyfriend down in Nashville. My sister & beautiful niece live here, so it was a pretty easy & comfortable decision. Being able to see my so cute, smart & funny 18 month old niece on a daily basis surely helps dealing with being so far away from the one person I can say I ever truly loved. But this all in itself is a whole other blog! What I am writing about right now is the job hunt process. I have been extremely lucky in all of my life when it has come to jobs. It seems that the graces have always been shining down on me, and the whole "right place at the right time" situation fit with pretty well every job I have ever had.

When I had moved to Vegas during High School my hair dresser fell in love with my family and asked me to babysit her son. Five years later, and many free hair cuts & colors later I had a pretty successful occasional job for a high school student who didn't want to work. I had tried to get a "real" job only once during that 5 year period. I applied to Target, where my mother had worked at the time, and went on my very first interview. I bombed. I was 16 or 17 years old, without a clue on what I was supposed to say to those ridiculous questions. I didn't get the job. I then learned my lesson, applied to Kohl's for seasonal help & worked there for a brief period of time.

Then when I had attended college, I was really into school spirit & just loved being around creative people (I attended the Art Institute) so getting a job at the school was a perfect fit. There wasn't this crazy hiring process. I was interested, went on one interview which was pretty laid back. It was my college & I didn't feel that I had to really impress some big fancy manager, just be honest & myself. Let my work speak for itself, after all this was a student position I was going for. I worked there for pretty much the remainder of my college experience.

Right before I was going to graduate, a girl from one of my classes had mentioned that her job was looking to hire someone for part time help as a graphic designer. I said, "I am interested" & that was that.

Throughout all these times, I never really went on a job hunt. It wasn't a career I was looking for, just work & money. The only time I ever went on a job hunt was once. After college when I decided I didn't want to be a designer. I wanted a more laid back environment. So me & my boyfriend went to every major restaurant on Long Island filling out applications, after a day of filling out applications my grandma had told us, "God told me to take you to Dave & Buster's". To Dave & Buster's we went. Filled out an application and within an hour, we had interviews & days later we were in orientation starting work. I had this job for about 4 years, the best part about it was when I decided to move down to Nashville with my boyfriend they transferred me! So I had a job when I got there.

I never understood why people complained about getting or finding a job, until now. I have been here a little over a week & have applied to over 20 places, made an awesome resume, yet still have not gotten one phone call. Anyone in the Chicago area want to hire me? I am running out of money! I guess I have been spoiled, I thought this would be easier. I am not even at the interview process yet, I just want a phone call.

Labels: applications, call me, lucky, new job

Labels: batman, dumb people, people suck, vigilante

I can not believe how fast the days, weeks & years of life just flash right on by. I have accomplished many things I am proud of but for the rest of my time, the majority of my time, I truly feel I have spent WANTING things. I always want these goals, that are tangible, but I spend too much time figuring out how to achieve them, and never achieve them. I make lists, form plans, gather ideas..

I am only 25, but I feel as if this life is going to be over before I know it. I take a look at the last 4 years of my life and how each journey ended so quickly. Ever decision made, ever action taken and I still feel part of me has always wanted something more. I never want to regret anything, and for that sake, I don't but in all reality I wish I would have done many things in life differently.

I am smart, I am creative, I am talented.. I feel like I could be a lot of places, but I am here and all I can do is move forward. Hopefully soon I can create something wonderful.


I just spent several hours reading about another persons life, when I should be creating my own. This world fascinates me to no end. And I feel, we all are a little lost. Even the most put together person will have some dark shadows inside of them. Some thoughts they wouldn't tell a soul, some emotions they can't explain, a want for something more.

I've been here numerous times before, since I was 15 years old trying to calculate the things going on in my life. I have dabbled a little bit all over the internet, for the past 10 years creating journals, blogs, photo logs, the list goes on & on. I have never found a clear format, a clear path or direction. But for the most part, I always just gave up. I jotted down some things but never made it into something.

Leaving ya'll with a photo of some websites I have attempted to log my thoughts on over the last 10 years. I could only imagine what some of those journals said. I have to say though, back then I really was on it, I posted every day for years. In more recent years I would be lucky if I posted once after the initial start of it. Let's see what this shall turn into, shall we..