On August 10th, I lost one of the most precious friendships I have ever known. My ex-boyfriend of two years passed away. I have never lost somebody so close and dear to me. He had just turned 25 a month and a half ago. I still can not grasp the fact that he is gone. I've only ever really known a few people who have died. Most, like my great grandmother for instance lived a beautiful life with a husband, kids, grandkids & great grandkids. It was sad, but it was easier to watch someone go who had fulfilled something in life. She lived to an old age, and had the life cycle that people are meant to live. Danny had just begun his life, a life that is now gone.


Although me & Danny stopped talking about a year ago (for various reasons), we still had a bond and a connection that nothing could break. No time apart could break the love we truly did share for one another. We broke up in January of 2011 but reconnected for a few short months from July-September of that same year, and around January of 2012 I disconnected myself from him completely. Although I stopped myself from contacting him, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him; I wondered how he was, what he was up to.. I cared about him as a person because he truly meant a lot to me. All I wanted was the best for him. I just wanted him to be okay. I sometimes would sneak onto my grandmas facebook to see if there was anything new from him, any good news, anything at all. I would stalk his brother & sister-in-laws on InstaGram in hopes that maybe they would post a picture of him, then I would know he's doing alright.

He reached out to me in March of this year and every bone in my body said "Write back!" I literally spent weeks falling asleep writing him a letter in my head, going over each word to try to decide what I would end up saying to him without saying too much. In the end, I never wrote him the letter. I thought for where I was in my life, it was best if I just kept him shut out. A few months later, I decided to write him an e-mail, just to let him know that although I didn't write back to him I thought about him and hoped that his life was on track, that he was doing good. I never got an email back. I would send him smiley faces on g-mail chat to try to get a response, but a few weeks went by & I never received anything. I recently came to find out, he forgot his password, never receiving my message. Two weeks prior to his death, I was in New York and my mom told me to let go of anything I held against him and to call him, let him know that I got his letter, just talk to him. I wouldn't do it. I don't know why but I didn't. Of course now, that is all that runs through my head. "Just call Danny". What I wouldn't give to just be able to rewind time and at least give him that one final phone call.


My heart broke into a million little pieces that Friday afternoon. I can not describe the regret and loss I felt. The days to follow were not easy. A truly emotional rollercoaster, numbness, pain, sorrow, loss. I truly hope no one ever has to attend a young persons wake. I couldn't be strong, I couldn't do anything but fall apart the first day. I could barely look over at him lying there in the casket. I couldn't make myself do it, it was just too hard. I didn't want it to be real and being there, looking at him lying there so peacefully made it more real then anything else. Thankfully, his brothers helped me through it. His family are the most strongest, loving people I have ever, and will ever, meet in my life. They are truly one of a kind and I am blessed to have had them in my life. By the last day of the wake (I attended all 4 because my goodbyes were never clear enough), I was able to go up to him, kiss him on the cheek & tell him that I was so sorry for giving up on him when he needed me most. But no matter how many times I went back up there to give my final goodbye, it was never enough. Things were always left unsaid because he could not respond back, so no matter what I said it wasn't good enough for me.


I have been struggling these last few weeks because of the regret I feel inside. I have always been one to not regret a thing because at the time it was exactly what I wanted to do, but in a time like this, how could you not feel regret? I've been talking to him all the time, and I truly feel that he hears me now. I know he understands but I would give anything up just to talk to him one last time. I have to say, looking back & remembering all the amazing times we shared, I know that the time we spent together was some of the best times of my life, and I know he would say the same. We traveled to Vegas & to Chicago, we went to 6 Flags and water parks, we went to concerts & bars, weddings & parties.. We had the time of our lives and every moment was filled with passion & love. Sure, things got rocky towards the end & things may not have always been rainbows & butterflies, but we trusted one another, we deeply loved & cared for one another. He is the first person in my life that I truly pictured forever with.



Even after we broke up, he still continued to try to help me. He couldn't stop caring about me because no matter what, we had love. He was there for me last summer when I was going through a lot of personal problems. I felt like the only person left in the world but he came to my side, he rescued me. I will never forget all that he has done for me and I wish I could have done the same for him.

I want to live my life for him. I want to do all the things we wanted to do together. And we will do them together, Danny, I know you are here with me, watching over me. I have always followed my own path, but now I want you to guide me. Thank you for changing my life. I love you forever.

Labels: boyfriend, death, died, funeral, gone, gone but not forgotten, life, loss, love, lover, remember, rest in peace, rip, sad, sadness, shock, wake